Face-booking for Dummies

The list below is meant only for educative purposes, and the author begs pardon if the reader’s feelings are hurt.

1) Fake names and Photos: Social Networking 101: It is for people to connect with other people, especially distant members and long-lost friends. What I don’t understand is why many teenagers (especially girls) persist on creating accounts with fake names and fake photos, to protect themselves. The blame lies partly on internet security lessons our generation got in school, where our computer teachers hammered into our brains the fact that we must never ever divulge our personal information like name and contact address on chat rooms. Now, people seem to believe that this principle also applies on social networking sites. When I search for my old friend from elementary school ‘Aditi’, I can never in my wildest dreams know that she is on the website under the pseudonym of ‘Ananya’. Only those who are closest to her can know about this, but as they are already in touch why do they need to also facebook each other? I will recount one of my personal experience where when I was searching for my childhood best-friend whom I hadn’t seen for 8 years on facebook, I only knew that she was under the pseudonym of ‘Diya’. My search yielded 25 Diyas, 20 of whom lived in Kolkata like my friend. I also learned that she had not posted her own photo but that of Taylor Swift, which lead me to narrow my search to 3 ‘Diya’s who looked like Taylor Swift. I did not want to friend the wrong person, and it was only an year later that I learnt that she spelled her name as ‘Dia’!! Another time I received a friend request from (I kid you not) Sania Mirza, and I being a humble girl who has never in her life held a racket decided not to bother such a great personality – I denied her request. Later it turned out that she was a very close friend of mine who was greatly distressed at my rejection. If you browse through my friend list, you will also find Siddharth Malhotra, Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Jennifer Lopez and even the Duchess of Cambridge!! 

2) Zillion Game Requests: While on the one hand I am happy that so many famous people deem me as their friend, it is slightly deprecating to find that all of my friends believe I am so jobless as to be able to play with each one of them a thousand different virtual games. They bombard my inbox and my notification box with these such desperate pleas – Mr. X wants me to help him serve his customers in his cafe (I never knew he had opened a cafe), Ms. Y wants me to send her a cow for her farm (where do I get a cow?), Ms. K wants me to come visit her mansion and the list just goes on and on. 

3) Portraying your Addiction: Until I joined facebook I never knew so many of my friends were such desperate addicts – Chocoholics, musicholics, shopaholics, eminemholics, potterheads, twihards and beliebers. Really!! Forget rehabs for drug addicts and alcoholics, there are more dangerous addictions.

4) The Obsessive Need to Share: Most people on facebook feel that they owe an obligation to the world and all its members to tell them everything about themselves – starting from what they wore, what they ate, what they bought and even the dead dog they saw on the street. 

5) Kiss and Tell: Recently when the idea of confession pages where started on facebook, somewhere along the line people thought that instead of making it to be a fun place to share memorable and fun stories of their life, as a place to vent out their personal vendetta in angry posts, hidden behind the mask of anonymity. I think today I will go on a confession page and confess (what most of us want to but haven’t done yet) that I am not interested in learning about how everyone in my class were b****** and idiots. These people have given a new meaning to the term ‘backstabbing’.

6) Weather Reports: There are also some very well-meaning weather men on facebook who every time it rains or snows makes it a point to post it on facebook in the format of ‘it is snowing ❤ :)’ or ‘it is raining :(‘ so as to prevent their friends the trouble of going to a window and seeing it for themselves!! 

7) Duckface: Warning: There is a catching trend among many teenagers in which they post a photo of themselves in a slight pout, their hair falling partly over their face, and dressed in most commonly a T-shirt and shorts (sometimes a cap) in a pose that they consider ‘cool’ but which only make them look like a demented duck or a monkey at best.

8) Thanking People for Likes: Some people have this habit of saying ‘ty’ (not even the proper thank you) individually in different comments to every person who liked their picture. This means that if I and 20 more people liked your photo, I get 21 emails in my inbox saying you commented on the photo. This more than anything else is sure to desist any more likes from my side to your photos. 

9) What sort of Bore Are You?: I know sometimes it is hard to desist from wanting to know which sort of plant you are, or which breed of dog or which vampire from Twilight, but please realize not all of your friends feel the same and some might be reluctant in taking the quiz as well. enhanced-buzz-32509-1358458802-2 

10) VDA or Virtual Display of Affection: I guess you never thought anything can be worse than PDA but – tada! – I give you (through the help of my loving friends [pun intended) VDA or Virtual Display of Affection. This manifests itself in the form of intimate pictures of your friends in poses you never cared to see, especially girls with profile pictures of them kissing their boyfriends. More nauseating is the lovey-dovey posts and statuses that put Romeo and Juliet to shame.


I hate these posts especially since a week later there will be another notification on my newsfeed announcing your break-up with the so-called ‘love of your life’, and last but not the least: I don’t care whether your relationship is complicated!! 



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